Thursday, April 23, 2009
untitled blog entry [-people who think money is everything, READ MY NOTE.]
why is it so hard living like me.i feel hurt and angry at the same time.
so much, like i really can't feel anything anymore.
but still, i'm crying, sometimes. . i don't even know why.
i'm going numb again.
i can't take it anymore.
my family treats us like we're not even part of it.
just because of money.
i wanna hate my life. . but it's a gift from Daddy.
but it's just so hard living like this.
"why can't our family be normal?"
a question that's been in my heart for so long now, still left unanswered.
everyone, caring,
encouraging. . helping.
one another.
why can't we be like that.
why does greed and money have to get in the way.
i really hate it. . so much.
i just hate it.
this morning.
i woke up, went down to go to the bathroom.
only to find that she re-arrage things again.
so we won't be able to use this area where the laptop was.
i stopped and looked at the changes.
at first, i didn't mind it. . but my body was the one who reacted.
i shut the door of bathroom loud as i went in. . then, after that. .
i went up the stairs back to my room stomping my feet.
i didn't feel any anger, tho.
i don't know.
i tried to go back to sleep.
i couldn't.
i was shaking.
maybe it was just cold.
i sat on my bed, thinking.
i cried. i prayed.
i got out my Bible and asked Daddy for a verse that would comfort me.
He gave me Psalm 143.
i prayed and cried the words David said on that verse.
i laid everything down at Daddy's feet.
and immediately Daddy took away the anger and hurt.
i felt lighter. and i stopped crying.
as i thanked Daddy, tears started to fill my eyes again. . but this time,
it was out of Joy. . just for having Daddy in my Life.
for Jesus and what He's done.
i didn't feel it in my body but i know my spirit was jumping, rejoicing.
my spirit was grateful.
truly without Daddy, everything would just be wrong.
it's amazing how Daddy turned a bad morning to a good one.
i thank Him with all my heart and soul.
after that, i prayed for her. .
though it was hard for me, i prayed for her.
it's what Daddy wants, so i prayed for her.
she needs it, so i prayed for her.
then again,
as i went back down to fix what she did.
i saw how she just messed up our desktop to a corner near the door.
i stayed calm.
"i'll fix this without getting in a fight with her."
i thought. .
but just as soon as she went down to check on what i was doing.
i held back, but i failed.
new anger welled up inside me. and my mouth let out words i wish i could take back.
i really didn't want to get in a fight with her again. but the new anger welled up
even more as she spoke hurtful words.
as she pointed out that we we're the ones mistreating her.
as she pointer out that this was her house and that she can do whatever she wants with it.
as she pointed out that we were the bad people.
as she pointed out so many things that were just contradicting the truth.
it's a good thing that i don't remember everything she said.
. . tho, i wish i really don't.
i managed to fix the things she messed up.
but right now, i'm also letting out the new pain that welled up together with the new anger.
i'm not gonna let one soul take away what Daddy made for me..
i am sorry for the words i said to her. i know better.
and i know Daddy's the only one who understands enough to forgive me when i fail.
you might be thinking, it's just a desktop that her grandma messed up. well yes,
plus all the other things she did to silently hurt us and make us angry.
to silently make us feel that we're unwanted and that we're not part of this family.
all because of stupid paper that's made to buy material things.
all because of stupid paper that makes you greedy.
all because of stupid paper that can destroy a family.
my mom and i are really trying our best to contain ourselves. also,
because we don't want the enemy to use us with such stupid dirty methods.
and now i'll leave who ever is reading this entry an IMPORTANT NOTE:
MONEY IS DEFINITELY NOT EVERYTHING. IT CAN NEVER BUY THE THINGS THAT ARE ETERNAL. SUCH AS JOY, LOVE AND PEACE. IT CAN ONLY PURCHASE TEMPORARY THINGS. THINGS THAT CAN DESTROY YOU. 'CAUSE MONEY ITSELF DESTROYS.
NEVER LET MONEY CONTROL YOU. YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO CONTROL MONEY.
GREED IS NEVER A GOOD THING. IT DESTROYS A SOUL AND PUTS IT AT THE BRINK OF DEATH.
--IF YOU'RE WISE ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT. YOU'RE WISE ENOUGH TO AGREE WITH IT.
ParanHaneul7014 thought hard on 5:14 PM.
